The Ultimate guide to boundaries
Boundaries are the fences we build to protect our health, security and wellbeing around others.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are the lines we put in place to separate who we are, what we feel and need and what we do from others. Boundaries show what we think is acceptable in how others treat us, they help us ensure our relationships are healthy, in romance, family, friendships and in work.
You can visualise your boundaries as the fences you put up around your home. In some cases you may need to build a wall, to create strong, firm boundaries that do not move around the feelings and thoughts of others, though in other times you may instead choose to incorporate a gate, choosing to allow others inside your safe space through flexible boundaries and trust.
There are 8 types of boundaries we consider when looking at how to define the limits between ourselves and those around us, have a read and then take a look at why setting boundaries is so very important.
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries are how you protect yourself, your space and your body. It refers to your privacy, food, exercise and your need for rest.
Emotional or Mental Boundaries
Emotional boundaries protect your own thoughts and feelings and ensure you have them validated. These boundaries make sure you do not end up responsible for the feelings of others, while respecting yourself enough to not overshare and understand which situations require more openness. You are accountable for your own feelings and not for the feelings of others.
Spiritual Boundaries
Spiritual boundaries are about your right to believe in/worship and practice religious beliefs as you wish. We cannot hold others to our own spiritual boundaries but we can express our own and hold ourselves accountable to them.
Sexual Boundaries
These boundaries are built on the foundation of consent. This covers what types of intimacy you are comfortable with, when, where and who with.
Financial and Material Boundaries
Financial and material boundaries allow you to have ownership over and decide how your possessions are used. You choose how to spend/save your money. You also have the right to be paid for work you have completed when an employer has agreed to pay you.
Time Boundaries
These boundaries allow you to choose how to spend your time. Ensuring you have enough time for rest, for avoiding being overworked and burnout and to not feel as though your time has been wasted.
Social Boundaries
Social boundaries include how much time you are willing to spend with others including the use of social media and the limits you would like to enforce on those interactions.
Non-Negotiables
Non-negotiables are often described as “deal-breakers”. From the list above, there may be boundaries you hold which are more flexible, for example choosing to save less of your monthly pay check when you and a partner have an expense together you need to pay for. On the other side, there may be boundaries you absolutely hold firm no matter the situation. These are your non-negotiables.
In order to understand your own personal boundaries you can take some time to consider each type we have described above. For each category of boundary consider one you already have in place or a situation in which you would like to introduce a new boundary. When you do this it can be helpful to work on your own, with no distractions or noises around you, to allow yourself to really hear your true thoughts as they come.
If you struggle to come up with boundaries that you hold, or would like a safe space to consider how to implement boundaries in your work or home life, get in touch. We’d love to help you feel safer in your decisions and behaviours.
Why are boundaries so important?
Boundaries allow you to be true to your values.
Boundaries allow you to be who you are and reflect your true values. So many people spend their lives in a position where they only see their worth when people pleasing. This comes from our childhood and from society where our genuine open emotions are not validated or we are only given praise when providing for others.
This includes only being allowed to spend time with others when our emotions and behaviours meet their expectations. Boundaries give you the space to make your own decisions based on your thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Having boundaries prioritises your wellbeing.
Creating and holding healthy boundaries shows you value your well-being and health. You can validate and take responsibility for your own needs and emotions without feeling the need to take responsibility for the feelings of others.
It is a form of self-care to learn to say no in order to avoid burnout and ensuring you live to your own priorities.
Boundaries can help avoid miscommunication.
By being open and honest about your boundaries you respect your limits while ensuring those around you can hold realistic expectations of you. Often we allow people to break or overstep our boundaries, as a default to avoid conflict or the possibility of upsetting others, This path leads to resentment and contempt.
In order to invite respect, we have to be clear about our own boundaries and expectations.
Boundaries help you to feel safe.
When we are firm with our boundaries, especially our physical boundaries and non-negotiables, we avoid situations where we feel unsafe or afraid. When we do find ourselves in difficult positions, boundaries help us to ask for what we need to feel physically and emotionally safe.
When you read the statements above, consider whether you feel you currently have appropriate boundaries in all areas of your life.
Do you prioritise your wellbeing over the thoughts and feelings of others?
Do you believe you are living to your true values?
Do you feel heard and understood?
Do you feel safe?
If you answer ‘no’ or only ‘sometimes’ to any of these questions it may be beneficial to set aside some time to consider what boundaries would be helpful for you to implement across your relationships.
Boundaries are not an opportunity for us to control others, instead they are an opportunity for us to control what we allow others to do to us.
Controlling others is about manipulation and coercion.
Boundaries are not created to work against those around but are created for you. To help you put your needs first.
Example:
In a conversation with a friend they start to make comments about another friend and you start to feel uncomfortable. Usually you would repeat statements such as “You shouldn’t speak about them in that way, you need to stop.” In this example you are trying to manipulate and control their behaviour.
Instead consider how your statements would sound with YOU as the subject. You could instead try something like: “I am uncomfortable with the comments you are making about ‘x’. I am going to leave if those comments continue.”
In this situation you have taken responsibility for your emotions and have explained the consequences should your friend choose to ignore your boundary. More importantly, you are accepting you cannot control the behaviour of others and can only control your own responses and actions.
When you choose to enforce a boundary, you may influence the behaviour others, that is normal. They may make a decision to alter their behaviour, but remember, that is a reflection on them and the value they place on your relationship and not on you.
Now we have discussed boundaries, what they are and why they are important, we recommend taking some time to consider your boundaries and the suitability of how flexible or firm they are. Sign up to our newsletter to get up to date access to our blogs and journal prompts, or get in touch to consider coaching with us.
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