Why setting boundaries is so hard, how to do it anyway and 7 we recommend setting now!

We’ve all been there, your boss asks you to cover an extra shift, your parent asks you to pick up on a missed chore or your best friend texts “are you free” at 11 o’clock at night.

We know we should say no, but we don’t. But why?

Boundaries are the lines we put in place to let others know when we do or don’t want to do something. Boundaries show what we think is acceptable in how others treat us, they help us ensure our relationships are healthy, in romance, family, friendships and in work. They are so very important in our daily life and yet so many of us struggle with even the basics.

Let us start by saying that there is nothing wrong with you if thus far you haven’t perfected your boundaries. It is absolutely normal, especially in a world and society like ours that celebrates the burnt out and the boundary-less. But that doesn’t mean you can’t choose to make a change now that you’re ready.

That’s why you’re here right?

So, what is stopping us from setting boundaries?

If you’re the kind of person who always says yes, there’s a chance that even without you knowing, that your living to some deeply rooted values. For example, if you’re always there on the end of the phone or ready to drop everything at a moments notice for a friend that needs you, you may value relationships and friendship.

If you jump at the chance to get involved in new projects at work, or take on more than you can handle, you may value learning or success.

It is absolutely ok to align your behaviours to your values. In fact, we recommend it! Research shows that when your actions and behaviours align to your true values, you can live a more fulfilled life. But learning to recognise when it is time to say no, when it is time to lay down a boundary, you open yourself up to the opportunity to invest your time, effort and energy into your wellbeing. Which in turn allows you to live to your values with more life and zest than when we are burnt out.

There are plenty of other reasons that you may struggle to set boundaries. From perfectionism to FOMO (fear of missing out), from social conditioning to never having been shown healthy boundaries as a child, many of us fall into the trap of becoming a “yes person” and balk at the thought of implementing boundaries in any parts of our lives.

We know it is hard. We see you. So we are here to help.

Here is a simple guide to setting boundaries and we’ve even thrown in 7 health boundaries we recommend you set for yourself now, if you haven’t already!

1. Figure out what is important to you

Consider your values. Values are your personal beliefs that give you direction. Figuring out what values are showing up regularly in your daily life means you can start to make decisions moving forward about what truly matters to you.

2. Think Differently

For many of us, our inability to say no comes from our need to please the people around us, to feel loved and valued by them. Sometimes, what we need is to think instead of whether or not we may cause disappointment, that our “no” is an opportunity for someone else to say “yes.” Perhaps for someone else to step up. By considering this from a different perspective consider how your “no” gives you space to care for yourself. You deserve that.

3. Take your time

If you have the space to, ask for time to consider what is being asked of you. You can talk through your decision with a trusted friend, consider it on your own or journal your thoughts around the following questions:

• Do I have the time for this?

• Will this opportunity come up again?

• Can I continue to provide myself with the necessary self-care (good food, exercise, rest, me-time) if I take on this extra responsibility?

• What are the values or potential risks associated with saying yes?

• Does this decision or behaviour align with my values and goals?

4. Start small

If you’re brand new to boundaries, it’s ok to start small! Try saying no just once this week and then spend some time reflecting on how it makes you feel. Consider what you have gained from saying no. The more you practice, the bigger the boundaries you’ll feel comfortable exerting and the more confident you’ll feel.

5. Be consistent

Once you have decided to set a boundary, try not to let it slip. We need boundaries to avoid miscommunication and confusion. By sticking to your guns, you make it easier for people around you to anticipate and understand your boundaries as well as reinforcing your own belief in yourself and your needs.

6. Make your boundaries about you

Boundaries work best as “I” statements.

In order to communicate a boundary most effectively we should try to follow the three C’s of boundary setting:

Calm - As valid as they are, emotions such as anger, frustration and upset are not helpful when we are trying to set boundaries. Stay calm and try to avoid showing your anger or frustration in your tone and body language. It invites confrontation. You deserve to be heard.

Clear - By sticking with “I” statements you focus on the behaviour and not the person.

For example: “I feel angry when you …. What I need from you is …”

Concise - Keep your sentences as short as possible to avoid getting lost or distracted. Extreme justification is a result of feeling uncomfortable when you are asking for someone to respect your boundary. You deserve to be heard and respected for what you are saying.

Here are 7 healthy boundaries we recommend you practice setting from right now using our guide above if it helps.

1. Say no.

No really. Saying no is a radical form of self-care. We live in a world where things are constantly trying to take our time, attention, and energy, from work, to relationships to social media. Learning to say no can be the best way to avoid burn out and put yourself first. Try it. Say no this week.

1. Be honest about your feelings.

You deserve to have your feelings heard and validated, even if only from yourself. It can be easy to lose the definition of your own feelings, especially in cohabiting relationships where the line between what you feel and what your partner feels becomes blurred. Taking the time to own and understand your own feelings, will help you decide what boundaries you need to put in place in the future for your own mental health and wellbeing.

1. Accept help.

This is a really big one. How often do we refuse to ask for help, or only ask when we really feel it is the only option left? By choosing to prioritise your own needs, you can see the opportunities for accepting help in far more places. It is ok to ask for help, and it is definitely ok to accept it when it is offered.

1. Ask for time alone.

Spending time alone is a sure-fire way to give your mind and body the space needed for rest, recuperation, and reflection. It is easy to lose yourself inside your responsibilities, putting the needs of everyone else before your own and only realising you needed time once you’re past the point of being ok. By scheduling in specific time to be alone, you prioritise a part of self-care we often neglect.

1. Build in time for your hobbies and interests.

As a new mum, I found my hobbies and interests falling to the wayside until they had become a memory of the “me” that existed before my son came into the world. This happens to so many of us, through the responsibilities and time taken by work, school, learning and life – but what would life look like if we could place a boundary that says “I need time to be me.”

Having hobbies and interests brings us joy. They enrich our lives and are essential to living a life that is well-rounded. They can help us foster social connections (which are so much more important than you realise), help cope with stress and so much more. Maybe it’s time you picked up the paint brush, or got back out into gardening?

1. Choose how you spend your money (after a mutual decision over joint funds has been made of course!)

We all have responsibilities when it comes to money. Bills need to be paid, we need to make sure we pay for our fair share of meals out, or for the debts we owe. But beyond that, the money that is left over once we have paid our dues, is there for us to decide how we spend.

There are plenty of articles that can help support you in how to set good financial boundaries, we don’t claim to be financial experts. There is a great one here at NerdWallet to help you make some decisions moving forwards.

1. Carve out time for self-care. Often.

Self-care. It is something that we all need, but in the rise of social media we have lost the true meaning of the term. It is not always meditation and face-masks (though we do love both), it may be choosing to go see a health professional about something you have been putting off for a few months. It may be choosing to forgo the 11pm Tik Tok trap in favour of a good night sleep. It may be uncomfortable. But it is so very important. Here are some forms of self-care we recommend including in your plans as you move forward:

• Get good sleep (and enough of it!)

• Eat nutritious meals often.

• Exercise – move your body often and in ways that bring you joy.

• Spend time in social settings – connection leads to health. Read Lost Connections by Johan Hari to learn more!

• Take care of your finances

• Spend time alone

• Drink plenty of water

And so many more. You can see how boundaries and self-care interweave and overlap. Setting healthy boundaries is an integral part of self-care.

Now that we have looked at why setting boundaries is so hard and how to go about setting them, it’s time for you to have a go!

If you’re still not sure and would like to have a conversation about whether 1-2-1 Coaching or our Mental Fitness Course could help you learn and set better boundaries book in!

We’d love you to join us for a 30 minute, completely free discovery call where we can get to know you and help you decide your best next steps.

Big Love!

The Blondes